Comedy Hamlet
©Jennifer Large & Alex Wells, December 2010.
ACT I
SCENE I. Elsinore. A platform before the castle.
FRANCISCO at his post.
He wanders about the stage for a while, looking underneath chairs and behind pieces of the set. The Pink Panther theme can be heard in the background. Every now and then he hears a noise and reacts, terrified.
Enter to him BERNARDO
Walking backwards, they bump into each other, yell, and run away from each other and hide behind a chair each. The following exchange is carried out very tentatively from behind the chairs.
BERNARDO Who's there?
FRANCISCO Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
He fashions some form of white flag and waves it.
BERNARDO Long live the king!
Stands
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
Bernardo?
Pokes his head around the chair.
BERNARDO
He.
Relieved – goes over to him and helps him up. They embrace.
FRANCISCO You come most carefully upon your hour.
BERNARDO looks at his watch, realises there isn’t one there, and then covers his wrist and puts a hand to his ear. A gong rings 11 times. Big pause.
BERNARDO 'Tis now struck [GONG. Pause] twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
FRANCISCO For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.
BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
BERNARDO 'Tis now struck [GONG. Pause] twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
FRANCISCO For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.
BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
Loud noise. They both jump and share a look of fear.
FRANCISCO
Not a mouse stirring.
BERNARDO Well, good night.
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
Not a mouse stirring.
BERNARDO Well, good night.
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
HORATIO and MARECELLUS are very obviously standing in what is supposed to be offstage.
FRANCISCO I think I hear them.
They’re making as much noise as possible. FRANCISCO goes towards the side of the stage and almost looks them in the face .
Stand, ho! Who's there?
Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS
Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS
As if shouting across a long distance.
Horatio enters carrying ‘A Complete Philosophy of Heaven and Earth’.
HORATIO Friends to this ground.
MARCELLUS And liegemen to the Dane.
FRANCISCO Give you good night.
MARCELLUS O, farewell, honest soldier:
Who hath relieved you?
FRANCISCO
Bernardo has my place.
He looks at BERNARDO, who is peering into the dark with a light and looking worried.
Give you good night.
Exit
MARCELLUS
Holla! Bernardo!
BERNARDO jumps.
BERNARDO
Say,
What, is Horatio there?
HORATIO
A piece of him.
BERNARDO
[Coldly] Welcome, Horatio: [In a much friendlier tone] welcome, good Marcellus.
BERNARDO
Say,
What, is Horatio there?
HORATIO
A piece of him.
BERNARDO
[Coldly] Welcome, Horatio: [In a much friendlier tone] welcome, good Marcellus.
MARCELLUS and BERNARDO embrace, HORATIO stands off to one side, reading. There is a clear sense of separation between him and the other characters.
MARCELLUS
What, has this [Struggling to say the word] thing appear'd again to-night?
BERNARDO
I have seen nothing.
MARCELLUS
[Nodding towards HORATIO.]
Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy.
MARCELLUS
What, has this [Struggling to say the word] thing appear'd again to-night?
BERNARDO
I have seen nothing.
MARCELLUS
[Nodding towards HORATIO.]
Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy.
HORATIO rolls his eyes.
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again this apparition come,
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
HORATIO
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again this apparition come,
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
HORATIO
[Loudly, not looking at them] Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.
BERNARDO
[Earnestly] Sit down awhile;
And let us once again assail your ears,
That are so fortified against our story
What we have two nights seen.
HORATIO sighs, shuts his book, and sits on floor by BERNARDO.
BERNARDO
[Earnestly] Sit down awhile;
And let us once again assail your ears,
That are so fortified against our story
What we have two nights seen.
HORATIO sighs, shuts his book, and sits on floor by BERNARDO.
HORATIO:
[Reluctantly]Well, sit we down,
And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.
BERNARDO
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to illume that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,
The bell then beating one,--
Enter Ghost. It chases and grabs at MARCELLUS and BERNARDO as they panic.
MARCELLUS
And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.
BERNARDO
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to illume that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,
The bell then beating one,--
Enter Ghost. It chases and grabs at MARCELLUS and BERNARDO as they panic.
MARCELLUS
[Standing, panicked ]Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!
BERNARDO
BERNARDO
[Clutching at MARCELLUS] In the same figure, like the king that's dead.
MARCELLUS
Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.
BERNARDO
Looks it not like the king? Mark it, Horatio.
MARCELLUS
Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.
BERNARDO
Looks it not like the king? Mark it, Horatio.
In reality the ghost should bear only a passing resemblance to the late King, at best. HORATIO stares at it in confusion and with intrigue rather than fear.
HORATIO
[Sarcastically ]Most like.
HORATIO
[Sarcastically ]Most like.
BERNARDO and FRANCISCO hide behind each other.
BERNARDO
It would be spoke to.
MARCELLUS
Question it, Horatio.
HORATIO
It would be spoke to.
MARCELLUS
Question it, Horatio.
HORATIO
[In a very matter of fact and unperturbed tone]
What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that [Sarcastically, the ghost is anything but] fair and warlike form
In which the majesty of buried Denmark
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!
What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that [Sarcastically, the ghost is anything but] fair and warlike form
In which the majesty of buried Denmark
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!
HORATIO tries to grab the unconvincing sheet of the ghost’s costume, the ghost withdraws.
MARCELLUS
[As if knowledgeable on the subject]It is offended.
BERNARDO
See, it stalks away!
MARCELLUS
[As if knowledgeable on the subject]It is offended.
BERNARDO
See, it stalks away!
The ghost walks backwards towards the side of the stage.
HORATIO
Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!
Exit Ghost
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone, and will not answer.
BERNARDO
[Triumphant, now that he has been proven right about the ghost’s existence]
How now, Horatio!
What think you on't?
HORATIO
Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes.
MARCELLUS
Is it not like the king?
HORATIO
How now, Horatio!
What think you on't?
HORATIO
Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes.
MARCELLUS
Is it not like the king?
HORATIO
[Pauses, considering. Quite sarcastically but as if not wanting to altogether offend them]
Such was the very armour he had on
When he the ambitious Norway combated;
'Tis [Pause] strange.
MARCELLUS
Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour,
With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch.
HORATIO
In what particular thought to work I know not;
But in the gross and scope of my opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our state.
Such was the very armour he had on
When he the ambitious Norway combated;
'Tis [Pause] strange.
MARCELLUS
Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour,
With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch.
HORATIO
In what particular thought to work I know not;
But in the gross and scope of my opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our state.
BERNARDO
I think it be no other but e'en so:
Well may it sort that this portentous figure
Comes armed through our watch; so [Sarcastically] like the king
That was and is the question of these wars.
HORATIO
A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.
But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!
Re-enter Ghost
I think it be no other but e'en so:
Well may it sort that this portentous figure
Comes armed through our watch; so [Sarcastically] like the king
That was and is the question of these wars.
HORATIO
A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.
But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!
Re-enter Ghost
BERNARDO and MARCELLUS shriek and hide behind HORATIO – the ghost tries to get at them from around the sides of the line. HORATIO looks mildly annoyed by them, aware of the irony that the guards are hiding behind a scholar.
I'll cross it, [Irritated ] though it blast me. Stay, illusion!
If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,
Speak to me:
If there be any good thing to be done,
That may to thee do ease and grace to me,
Speak to me:
Cock crows
If thou art privy to thy country's fate,
Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak!
Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life
Extorted treasure in the womb of earth,
For which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death,
Speak of it: [Exasperated. He really wants to learn about it] stay, and speak!
I'll cross it, [Irritated ] though it blast me. Stay, illusion!
If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,
Speak to me:
If there be any good thing to be done,
That may to thee do ease and grace to me,
Speak to me:
Cock crows
If thou art privy to thy country's fate,
Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak!
Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life
Extorted treasure in the womb of earth,
For which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death,
Speak of it: [Exasperated. He really wants to learn about it] stay, and speak!
MARCELLUS is yelping.
Stop it, Marcellus.
MARCELLUS
[Waving a plastic sword around ] Shall I strike at it with my partisan?
HORATIO
Do, if it will not stand.
The ghost appears behind BERNARDO.
MARCELLUS
[Waving a plastic sword around ] Shall I strike at it with my partisan?
HORATIO
Do, if it will not stand.
The ghost appears behind BERNARDO.
BERNARDO
'Tis here!
The ghost appears behind HORATIO.
'Tis here!
The ghost appears behind HORATIO.
HORATIO
'Tis here!
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone!
Exit Ghost
[As if knowledgeable again ]We do it wrong, being so majestical,
To offer it the show of violence;
For it is, as the air, invulnerable,
'Tis here!
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone!
Exit Ghost
[As if knowledgeable again ]We do it wrong, being so majestical,
To offer it the show of violence;
For it is, as the air, invulnerable,
The ghost falls over, and loudly knocks into something.
And our vain blows malicious mockery.
BERNARDO
It was about to speak, when the cock crew.
HORATIO
And then it started like a guilty thing
Upon a fearful summons.
MARCELLUS
[Again, as if knowledgeable] It faded on the crowing of the cock.
Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes
Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated,
The bird of dawning singeth all night long:
And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad;
The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike,
No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,
So hallow'd and so gracious is the time.
HORATIO
So have I heard and do in part believe it.
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,
Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill:
Break we our watch up; and by my advice,
Let us impart what we have seen to-night
Unto young Hamlet; for, upon my life,
This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.
Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,
As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?
MARCELLUS
Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know
Where we shall find him most conveniently.
Mimes drinking gesture.
Exeunt
Exeunt
All three walk off in a line, with the Ghostbusters theme in the background.
Re-worked and Co-Directed with Mr Alex Wells, November-December 2010.
©Jennifer Large & Alex Wells, December 2010.
